Fractalization

Watercolor, calligraphy ink, ink, found watercolor scroll

2019

370 x 107 cm

Visualizing the ebbs and flows of my mood revealed cyclical nature of my depression. Ephemeral highs clouded my perception of how low the lows truly felt and how long they actually lasted. Tracking the frequency of my depressive periods compelled me to confront a mental health condition I had previously been in denial about. This process brought awareness and a sense of responsibility toward understanding my depression.

As I imprinted my body onto the canvas, I laid down colors, emoting my mood, beginning with grey. Disconnected and detached, I wasn't being honest with myself. After coming out of low periods, I felt a brightness and a lightness. Pink grounded me, bringing color back into my life. Moments of happiness were fleeting as I slipped back into a somber blue. Hollowed out from distractions and colors—a reset, a cleanse, a purge—I would then reach a state of regeneration, reconnection, and growth.

This scroll captures the narrative arch of not only the moment of its creation, but also the greater, ongoing personal journey I’ve been on. This trajectory mirrors the ups and downs of that year, the following five-year stretch and quite possibly, the arch from my birth to death.

These experiences, when observed over various periods, exhibit a fractal quality as they replicate patterns that are self-similar at different timescales. The recurring nature of change is the constant that grounds me in a cycles of time.